Dear Under Armor,

You keep missing the mark. It’s February 14th of 2018 and Tribe Called Quest just got mixed into The Weeknd. My stomach hurts. I don’t really know why I’m still standing here. There’s a long line wrapped around the corner and those people outside are clueless to just how underwhelming it is in here. I walked past a shit-show just to walk into one. It’s as if you checked all the boxes for event then just gave up. Photo booth, check. A DJ, playing music too loud to talk over, check. Food, oh yes. They are serving salad in cups and sexy little caprese kabobs. This is the way I’ve decided to spend my Valentine’s Day. I saw this old little jewish guy tell some other guy why this brand isn’t relevant in the streets. I didn’t stay around for the conversation, I already knew the answers. I’ve now been here 12 minutes. I keep looking up to see if I know anyone. Of course I don’t. I have choice people in my life who would never be at some brand event on Valentine’s Day. By the looks of the two sparse shoe walls, this is a release party. The shoes looks like cheap concept hybrids of a Boost meets Flyknit. Like they share a factory with Chinese Laundry. The only way to engage with the product is by trying the shoe on, before the photo booth. Like people are actually going to buy these just to pose in. There looks to be free alcohol. I gave myself a one baby water limit. Drank that about 4 songs ago. There’s an audience around the shish-kabobs. Old heads are standing along the perimeter of a dome that offers no experience. Again, I don’t know why I’m here. My friend is in the campaign and I think it’s my favorite part but I could have watched that from home, with no makeup on. I’m in Hollywood wearing a crop top. I just realized I’m standing on the same bias as the old heads. That song about dead friends is on. I’ve hit my edge. I made it a whole 20 minutes. I tried UA, but it just doesn’t make sense. Next time bring me on to make these kind of experiences a bit more exciting. I think you released some shoes tonight but I really don’t know what just happened.

 

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