“PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE, HAVE IT IF YOU CAN // ALWAYS IN A WOMAN , NEVER IN A MAN .”

 

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THAT QUOTE COMES COURTESY OF MRS. O’CONNER, MY MIDDLE SCHOOL MATH TEACHER. I CAN’T REALLY REMEMBER THE CONTEXT, BUT I’VE NEVER FORGOTTEN IT. THAT SAID, & TO BE REVISITED A LITTLE LATER, LET’S COLLECTIVELY REJOICE IN THE SIMPLE NATURE OF THIS WRITTEN AFFAIR; I DON’T INTEND FOR IT TO BE SOME SORT OF HEART GUIDE OR DATING TUTORIAL. I’M NO EXPERT, MY DATING PATH IS NO BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE’S, & WHATEVER IS DIVULGED IS STRICTLY RELATIVE TO MY EXPERIENCE. I NEVER PRETEND TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LOVE OR DATING; IN FACT, I’M HERE BECAUSE I AM FINALLY AWARE ENOUGH TO ADMIT THAT I’M PRETTY SCREWED UP AND HAVE GONE ABOUT THIS LOVE & DATING THING COMPLETELY WRONG. COME TO THINK OF IT, I’VE BEEN DOOMED SINCE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

WHILE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS WERE PERFECT IMAGINARY WIVES IN THEIR GAMES OF HOUSE, I WAS THE LITTLE GIRL WHO CHOSE TO RAISE MY HOUSE WITH NO HUSBAND OR FATHER INCLUDED. I WOULD THINK OF THIS OVER THE YEARS & FEEL WEIRD. I WAS ONE OF THE FEW GIRLS IN MY FRIEND GROUP WHO EVEN A DAD, MOREOVER SUCH AN AMAZING FATHER AS MINE. I HAVE WATCHED MY PARENTS MAINTAIN A STRONG & HEALTHY MARRIAGE FOR 30+ YEARS, YET…SOMEWHERE, IN MY (LET’S CALL IT) GYPSY LITTLE MIND, I NEVER THOUGHT TO INCLUDE AN INCREDIBLE  PROTOTYPE FOR MY OWN IMAGINARY FAMILY UNIT.

IT’S KIND OF FUNNY HOW CHILDHOOD FANTASIES EVOLVE INTO ADULT REALITIES.

HERE I AM NOW…A SINGLE, 30-SOMETHING YEAR OLD “DATING WHILE CELIBATE” WORKING MOM WHO IS READY TO RECONCILE THE DISCONNECT BETWEEN MY MIND & HEART.  GEEZ, WHAT A FUCKING MIND & MOUTHFUL….

ANYWAY, EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE HEART IS WHAT SUSTAINS THE BODY, & THE MIND IS WHERE THINKING ORIGINATES, THEREFORE THE MIND CONTROLS OUR THOUGHT PROCESS WHILE OUR HEARTS GOVERN OUR FEELINGS. WHEN IN LOVE, HOWEVER, THE HEART TAKES OVER THE MIND, WHILE THE REVERSE IS TRUE IN ALL OTHER LIFE SITUATIONS.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, I’VE BEEN A WOMAN WITH THE HEART OF A BUDDAH & THE MIND OF A SAVAGE. I SPENT MY 20S TOURING & PLAYING MUSIC FOR THE WORLD, & I NEVER SHYED AWAY FROM A GOOD TIME WHEN IT CAME TO MEN. AFTER FALLING VICTIM TO THAT ONE QUINTESSENTIAL, EXPERIENTIAL EARLY 20S HEARTBREAK — YOU KNOW, THAT FIRST “REAL” LOVE THAT YOU THINK IS GOING TO BLOSSOM INTO A WHITE PICKET FENCE UNTIL IT TURNS TRAGIC, BREAKING YOU DOWN TO YOUR BARE BONES & MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’LL NEVER LOVE OR BE LOVED AGAIN? —I STOPPED ALLOWING MY HEART TO TAKE OVER MY MIND, I STOPPED BELIEVING IN THE LONG, FOREVER TYPE OF LOVE.

I STRIPPED LOVE OF ITS FUN, I GUTTED THE HEART FROM LOVE & GOT CEREBRAL. I REFUTED MONOGAMY BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF BEING CHEATED ON AGAIN. I HID PARTS OF MYSELF BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD. I WENT ACCORDING TO FLOW BECAUSE I KNEW I WOULDN’T ALLOW IT TO GROW, SO WHY EVEN BOTHER TO CARE TOO MUCH? I’VE OFTEN THOUGHT OF LOVE LIKE A HOPELESS, IMPATIENT TEENAGER — I’VE BEEN THE OBVIOUS DATER: CHOOSING THE EASY TARGETS, THE ONES WHO FAILED TO MATCH ME SPIRITUALLY, MENTALLY, OR EMOTIONALLY, YET FED ME SEXUALLY & ROMANTICALLY…FALLING IN SO FAST & ROMANTICIZING A LOVE IN MY MIND THAT DIDN’T REALLY EXIST YET IN MY HEART, SO THE MOMENT A PROBLEM OF ANY MAGNITUDE AROSE & IT WAS TIME TO START LOVE’S TRUE WORK I WOULD COMPLETELY DRAW BACK MY FEELINGS…LOCKING THEM AWAY IN THE DEEPEST, FARTHEST BOX NEVER TO BE FELT AGAIN.

PERHAPS, INTUITIVELY, I’VE ALWAYS KNOWN WHAT I WANT FROM A PARTNER ; I’VE JUST BEEN TRUSTING MY ID, EMBRACING MY CHAOS. UNFORTUNATELY, I NEVER ACTUALLY ALLOWED MYSELF TO BELIEVE IN THE EXISTENCE OF MY PERFECT PARTNER.  I WAS OVER-GENERALIZING LOVE TO DEATH, TELLING MYSELF I COULDN’T TRUST ANOTHER PERSON ENOUGH & REALLY, TRULY FEEL BECAUSE THERE WOULD NEVER BE A PERSON THAT COULD MAKE ME FULLY SUBMIT…MIND, HEART, BODY, & SOUL SURRENDER (REMEMBER THIS WORD)….

…& THEN ONE DAY YOU UNWRAP YOURSELF FROM YOURSELF, & YOU START TO REALIZE, OH FUCK, IT’S ME!…OPERATING FROM MY OWN PERSPECTIVE. CHASING MY OWN OBJECTIVE. OPERATING FROM MY OWN FEAR. MY, ME, I, SELF. NO WONDER MY LOVE LIFE HAS BEEN A MESS, NO MAN STANDS A CHANCE WITH THOSE FOUR, FEARFUL HOES!

IT’S FUNNY…I’VE PRIDED MYSELF ON CONSISTENTLY DOING THE NECESSARY SPIRITUAL WORK THAT WILL KEEP ME IN TUNE WITH THE UNIVERSE, YET I’VE NEVER TAKEN THE TIME TO TRULY HONOR THE PROCESS OF LOVE. I’VE COMPLETELY DISMISSED IT, CONVINCING MYSELF THAT IF I STRENGTHEN MY PATH AS A SPIRITUAL PERSON THOSE PRINCIPALS WOULD SOMEHOW TRANSFER THEMSELVES OVER TO MY ROMANTIC BRAIN & SNAP MY HEART IN LINE.

FOR THE PAST 3 YEARS SINCE I BROKE UP WITH MY SON’S FATHER SURRENDER HAS BEEN MY SAFE WORD, MY MANTRA. I WRITE THE WORD ACROSS MY MIND & ALLOW MY INNER WINDS TO INCENSE THE DESIRE. PLEASE SEND ME A LOVE WORTH SURRENDERING TO. IT WAS MORE THAN A MEDITATION, MORE THAN A PRAYER. IT BECAME THE THEME FOR MANY VISION BOARDS & IDLE TIME WISH LISTS. IT WAS THE GOAL I ASPIRED TO YET NEVER REALLY BEGAN TO STRIVE FOR, ALL THE WHILE BLAMING MY LACK OF FULL SUBMISSION ON MY LOVER ALONE.

IT’S YOUR FAULT I WON’T SURRENDER, YOU HAVE FAILED TO LOVE ME THE WAY I SHOULD BE LOVED.

BUT HOW COULD I KNOW? WHAT HEART WORK HAD I DONE TO EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND THE WAY I SHOULD BE LOVED? I’VE BEEN SURROUNDED BY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE MY ENTIRE LIFE (EVEN THOUGH I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE TERM UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, BUT WE’LL GET TO THAT ANOTHER TIME), & I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I USED IT AS A CRUTCH. I’VE ALWAYS HAD IT, SO I DON’T NEED IT. HOW SHORT-SIDED COULD THIS SELF-PROCLAIMED BUDDHIST BE? HOW COULD I BELIEVE & FOLLOW THE LAWS OF UNIVERSAL LOVE YET COMPLETELY IGNORE THAT OTHER LOVE? LOVE BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD STILL BE LOVE, NO?

I WAS DOING IT ALL WRONG.

I WASN’T HONORING THE PROCESS OF LOVE. I WASN’T DATING, I WAS “SITUATING”. DATING WAS ALWAYS SUCH A SCARY TERM FOR ME, & THE THOUGHT OF NOT HAVING SOMEONE TO SHARE THE BED WITH SEEMED UNNATURAL. IT WASN’T ABOUT THE LOVE…I JUST NEEDED THE SYNCHRONICITY OF BREATHS TO LULL ME TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. SO MANY OF MY GIRLFRIENDS WERE SPENDING NIGHTS ALONE ON THEIR COUCHES WITH THEIR MALE CATS, & I WAS JUST HAPPY TO HAVE SOMEONE AROUND. WOW, THAT READS BACK HORRIBLY. &…THAT’S EXACTLY MY POINT! I THOUGHT I WAS ABOVE THE PROCESS. I WASN’T DATING WITH ANY KIND OF PERSPECTIVE. I WAS JUST SAMPLING GOODS AT THE MARKET, BUT NOT COMMITTING TO A PURCHASE. I DIDN’T KNOW WHO I WANTED, OR WHAT I WANTED FROM A PARTNER. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WANTED FROM MYSELF.

A YEAR AGO, MY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR TOLD ME TO MAKE A DETAILED LIST OF WHO AND WHAT I WANTED MY PERFECT LOVE TO BE, STARTING WITH THE MOST SHALLOW FEATURES TO HIS DEEPEST CHARACTERISTICS. I PUT THIS ON THE BACK BURNER UNTIL ABOUT 4 MONTHS AGO. I WAS FRESH OUT OF ANOTHER LASTED 8 MONTHS TOO LONG SITUATION & WAS FINALLY READY TO CONFRONT THAT MASTER LIST, BUT I KNEW BEFORE I COULD TACKLE WHAT I WANTED TO RECEIVE I HAD TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT I WAS READY TO GIVE.

I RIPPED MYSELF APART, JOTTING DOWN EVERY SINGLE PART OF ME, MAPPING OUT MY HEART’S ROMANTIC PLAYBOOK. ONCE I FINISHED TEARING MYSELF TO PIECES (IN THAT GOOD WAY, OF COURSE) THE OTHER LIST WAS EASY. I KNEW EXACTLY WHO THIS PERSON NEEDED TO BE, I MODELED HIM AS MY BALANCE, MY OTHER HALF…NOT MY SERVANT, MY EGO BOOSTER, MY SEX SLAVE, MY STEPPING STONE. I FILLED AN ENTIRE POCKET NOTEBOOK WITH POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS ABOUT WHO MY MAN WILL BE, I WROTE SO PASSIONATELY ABOUT HIS MIND AND HIS SPIRIT, HIS LOVE FOR HIMSELF, HIS FAMILY, HIS RESPECT FOR MY HEART, WELL-BEING, AS WELL AS THE HIS CONCERN FOR THE SAFETY & HAPPINESS OF MY CHILD WHOM HE WOULD LOVE & CARE FOR AS HIS OWN. I WENT ON & ON, EMPOWERING A LOVE WITH A MAN THAT ONLY EXISTED ON PAPER WITH EVERY AFFIRMATION; I LET THE SPIRIT OF WHOEVER THIS BEING WOULD BE COME ALIVE IN MY PSYCHE. I FINALLY BEGAN TO HAVE FAITH IN LOVE AGAIN.

WITH THESE FIRST & SECOND STEPS MASTERED, I KNEW THERE WAS ONE LAST THING I HAD TO CHANGE. LET GO OF. THE LAST PIECE OF MY DISEMPOWERED HEART PUZZLE. I NEEDED A NEW MANTRA, A NEW SAFE WORD TO MEDITATE ON AS I SENT THIS MASTER LIST ON ITS WAY TO SURRENDER, BUT I WASN’T QUITE SURE WHAT THAT WORD WOULD BE UNTIL SUSAN MILLER’S JAN 1 LEO POST TALKED ABOUT THE ONE THING I NEVER HAD YET ALWAYS NEEDED…..

…..PATIENCE.

IT WAS LIKE TRUTH FINALLY PRYED MY EYES WIDE OPEN, FORCING ME TO WATCH AS MY MIND DISSECTED MY HEART & REMOVED THE WORD, “SURRENDER” FROM MY BLOOD STREAM. THERE IS NO SURRENDER WITHOUT PATIENCE FIRST….THE PATIENCE TO SEE MYSELF WHERE I AM, TO BECOME AWARE OF WHAT IT IS I TRULY WANT & DESERVE & WALK TOWARD THAT GOAL SLOWLY & SURELY…THE PATIENCE TO PROCESS EVERY SIGNAL, TO FEEL EVERY SINGLE FEEL, TO ENJOY EVERY SINGLE MOMENT WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IMMEDIATE…THE PATIENCE TO SET & HONOR BOUNDARIES…TO LISTEN & TRULY UNDERSTAND WHO I TRUST WITH MY HEART, MY SPIRIT, &, ULTIMATELY, MY BODY. THE PATIENCE TO BUILD A SOLID FOUNDATION THROUGH HONESTY. THE PATIENCE TO SAFELY EXPLORE & ENJOY ALL TYPES OF NON-PHYSICAL INTIMACY….EYE CONTACT, LONG PAUSES, THE NOT-TOO-EAGER TOUCHES, THE COURTSHIP…ROOTED ROMANCE.

IT’S SOMETHING I’VE NEVER REALLY CONSIDERED. BUT, WHO’S CONSIDERING ANYTHING WHEN THEY’RE MOVING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT? MY MOTHER ALWAYS TELLS ANYONE WHO ASKS ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE THAT I DATE LIKE A MAN. NO WONDER I’VE NEVER BEEN GOOD IN THE PATIENCE DEPARTMENT. QUOTE MAKES SENSE NOW, RIGHT?

BOTTOM LINE OF IT ALL…MY STATUS IS CURRENTLY “TO BE DETERMINED”, AND I’M HAPPY HERE. IT’S SUCH A LIBERATING POINT OF START, & I FINALLY FEEL READY. TO PUT THIS WORK INTO PRACTICE & JUST HAVE FAITH IN IT ALL. NO EXPECTATIONS FOR NOW. JUST…FEELING. BREATHING. QUIETING THE MIND. LISTENING. EXPLORING. TRUSTING. ADVENTURING. BLOSSOMING. INTO THE TYPE OF LOVER I SEE IN EVERYONE ELSE. EFFORTLESS. WILLING. LESS CEREBRAL. MORE EMOTIONAL. LEAVING NO ROOM FOR THE, “WHAT IF?”

SURRENDERING TO PATIENCE…FOR ONCE.

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FOREVER LOVE,

JCK DVY

#TBD

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